purple

A blog post from a previous life…

 

 

I almost had a wardrobe malfunction on the train yesterday….

Let me explain.

I’ve lost weight- not a crazy amount; I mean, they won’t be asking me to do testimonials or endorse products any time soon, but I’ve lost a few lbs. Essentially, I’ve just stopped eating food as though it were going to attack me if I didn’t, and I’ve benefitted as a result.

Here’s the thing- some people lose their stomach first, some people lose it in their face- I lose my booty first, then the rest of me catches up. I’m not particularly happy about this- if you have a “c” booty, I envy and salute you. I have more of a “parenthesis” booty- “(”- more booty than the average flat booty, but again, nobody is making an “Ode to Parenthesis Bootys” any time soon.

(james cagney voice) “So I was wearing these pre-weight loss undies,shee? and a skirt,shee?”(/end JC voice)

and I’m walking towards the subway, and I realize with horror that my pre-weight loss sparkly purple and gold bikini underwear have slipped from their apparently precarious perch….and are now sliding down my butt.

I wiggle, trying to perhaps move them back up or at least stabilize the situation. This compounds the problem, because now that the back has made a break for freedom, the front has now decided to follow her lead and slip down as well. There are 3 bathrooms on the Toronto subway and I’m not near any of them. (And even if I were, 3 friggin bathrooms for how many MILLIONS of passengers per day? ugh.)

I clamp my legs together and focus on boarding the escalator to the lower platform…which is NOT WORKING? are you KIDDING ME? So now, I have to figure out a way to keep my legs clamped AND walk down stairs without being trampled by the little old ladies who act like they’re running for the last train out of town. I manage to accomplish this- however, now both the front and back are gently caressing the area right above mid-thigh.

sigh…..

There’s just nothing to be done- I board the train, thighs tightly clenched and I make my way to the nearest seat…a little over an hour later, I get off at the mall and with slightly mincing steps, make my way to our car and FINALLY pull up my panties.

Yes, I threw them away lol.

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